The enemy had it out for me from the beginning as he does for us all. I was a very angry child and an even angrier teen. I cannot explain the hate and anger that I remember experiencing as early as the age of three. I do not believe that it was direct results of anything except for when my younger brother was born I can remember feeling severe jealousy. At that moment the enemy began to lie to me that I was not important and I was never going to be as good as my brother. That lie haunted me for many years. I was raised in church, asked Jesus in my heart when I was five, I was baptized at six and my parents were very active in the church. My parents endied up divorcing when I was twelve and that is when my world really came crashing down. I was gang jumped at the age of twelve on my way home from school one day and then I was set up by one of my friends from school and raped by her boyfriend’s cousin at thirteen. After these series of horrible events, I really did not care about life anymore. I truly thought that God was playing a sick joke on us – “IF” he was real. I found myself constantly thinking if God is so good, how could all this horrible stuff happen? I attempted suicide several times, ran away from home as often as I could, committed many criminal acts, and used drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. I spent most of my teen years locked up in juvenile detention or mental health facilities. I seriously thought life was some kind of sick joke.
At sixteen I got pregnant and ended up placing my beautiful son for adoption because I didn’t have any support and did not see a way I could parent my child and provide a good life for him. At age 18 I got pregnant again and ended up parenting even though the father wanted me to have an abortion. I felt that now that I had a job and an apartment, I should be able to manage on my own. I ended up partying a lot and getting evicted from my apartment and finding me and my precious little one homeless. We stayed in a shelter and I eventually let my daughter go live with her paternal grandparents temporarily until I was able to get on my feet. Once I got on my feet I got my daughter back, but still continued to drop her off at family on the weekend so I could go do my thing. I found myself at age 21 pregnant again and the baby’s father demanded and physically forced me to have an abortion, and on Good Friday of 1998 I found myself sitting at the end of a table waiting for the doctor to come remove what I convinced myself to be a lump of tissue that was growing inside of me. I asked God to forgive me as I sat on the edge of that table. Something in me that day died with my baby. Darkness overwhelmed me and I was more distant from God than ever. I knew I had committed the unforgivable sin and I was destined for hell. This understanding thrusted me into a downward spiral that only God could save me from. I began committing serious criminal acts, dealing drugs, and partying all the time. I was convicted of a felony and gave up all hope. I would frequently drop my daughter off with my mother, but this one night as I was on my way to the club in my car listening to some not so Christian music, I think it was Hot Boys for all you old gangstas, but then I heard a small still voice say to me, “Alison it is time, go home and get on your knees.” I was immediately met with another voice that was so small and still that said, “If you go home and get on your knees you are going to have to give up …….. “ and the voice immediately began naming everything my flesh loved or needed to survive such as the easy money that drug dealing offered, and the boyfriend who was abusive. I quickly pulled my car over and turned the music off and realized that I was in the presence of God, He had sought me out and I was at a crossroad. I had to choose whether I was going to keep going down the path of destruction or to surrender my life to the one who could help me truly find it. I went home that night and fell on my knees and prayed and cried all night and let God do his work on my heart, the Holy Spirit fell upon me and I began to speak in another language. For the first time in my life, I understood my need for a savior, I had the revelation that I was never alone and that he never intended for all those horrible things to happen to me.
After this encounter with Jesus and the Holy Spirit, I have never been the same. He has seen me through some terrible situations but was so faithful in helping me get my life cleaned up. My felony charges were completely expunged. I started a career and excelled in it. I went into missions and traveled the world. I got a few college degrees, even though I dropped out of school in the ninth grade. As a teen I can remember hearing that same small still voice whisper to me that night in my car, give your life to me and I will give you the desires of your heart. He has kept his promises, He always does! My parents may not have exemplified Christ to me the way God intended, they had terrible things happen to them when they were younger and they were as broken as I was, I forgave them. The girls who jumped me, forgiven, the guy who raped me forgiven, my children’s’ fathers’ who abandoned us, forgiven, MYSELF, FORGIVEN, the list goes on and on, but ALL forgiven. In this forgiveness, I have found freedom. We are all broken, and hurt people, hurt people. That is why I have made it my life’s goal to assist others in experiencing the same freedom that has been so graciously bestowed upon me. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. It is for freedom’s sake that Christ has set us free, that’s it, He just wants us to be free, free from the sin that entangles us and causes us to self-harm and hurt others. Accept His freedom this day. After I entered into a real understanding of who Jesus is the freedom I experienced at first was overwhelming. PreChrist I was always looking over my shoulder, my mind would race as I was going to bed about all the horrible things that could take place the next day, I was in torment due to the lifestyle I was choosing to live. Shortly after really meeting Christ I saw a quote on a wall that said, “There is no softer pillow than a clean conscience.” That resonated deeply in me, it was so true. For so many years I lived in turmoil, I had severe stomach pains from ulcers that stress had caused. When I really met Christ and understood that He wasn’t trying to prevent me from having fun, He was trying to prevent me and my children from repeating the cycle, from being hurt. No more nights lying awake wondering what trouble tomorrow brings, I am confident in my Jesus that He loves me and my family and wants nothing but the best for us. My choices preChrist had consequences, but he was walked with me through them all. I have not been perfect since my understanding of who God is, but I have come to know him as a Father who loves me no matter what I do, and His word tells me His mercies are new every morning.
Whatever you are going through, I promise there is peace and redemption, and with God NOTHING is hopeless. Many of us have a misunderstanding of who God really is, He is not looking to pay you back for all the wrong you have done, He is not waiting for you to slip up and fail, He is not judging you based on the law or by works, and He does not want to send you to hell, so some of you may be asking what does He want? He simply wants a relationship with you. He wants to adopt you. He wants to love you and give you good gifts. I am not saying that being a follower of Christ means you will have a perfect life or that you won’t experience struggle or pain but you learn how to deal with painful occurrences differently and bad things happen less frequently because we aren’t inflicting pain and havoc upon ourselves quite as much. I would love to talk to you about your worldview- the lens in which you view the world and everyone in it. I was raised religious and had a huge misunderstanding of who God was, but now I know who He is and who He says I am and my life goal is to help others understand the same. Contact me if you want to know more about Jesus and who He says you are!
Scriptures to ponder….
For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. Matthew 16:25
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 2 Corinthians 3:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17
The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; 2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; 3 to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified. 4 They shall build up the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former devastations; they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations. Isaiah 61:1-4
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